It’s that time of the year again where there is a touch of love in the air. Valentines day, although now so commercialised I wonder how many of us still look for some token that we are loved. That someone cares enough to send a card, give us flowers or take us to dinner. It seemed timely that I write something on love so I went looking for a definition. Not an easy feat in fact it was really hard to find a definition that I connected with, most were long winded, confusing, complicated, weird and some bizzare.

The interesting thing is that there are hardly any studies on “love”, no clinical trials or research studies, no analysis or explanations of any substance. Does this mean that so far  “love” has not been scientifically defined. I mean we send men into space, we can cure deadly diseases but “”love”, the things that we crave the most, we value above all other things, is both the most extraordinary and satisfying state a human being can experience yet there is no scientific data on it at all. It appears that the way we have connected with love has been through poetry, music, literature, art and more recently through film.

So what is love, well the following is my take on what makes sense to me. It is one only point of view. I came across the work of, Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW who is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work. She has spent the past decade studying vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame and her book The Gifts of Imperfection was on the best sellers list for several months.

Brene describes love as

“An intangible connection between two people that feels exceptionally good.”

The strength and depth of the connection is determined by two conditions:

  • The level of self-acceptance each person has for themselves.
  • How open, honest and exposed each individual is willing to be.

Qualities always present with these connections are:

  • Trust – believing in their integrity and good intentions towards you.
  • Respect – concluding they are good and worthy of appreciation.
  • Affection – demonstrating your good intentions through your actions.

Furthermore she states that Love is not an emotion. Love is the connection. Your feelings are a reaction to the quality of that connection.

Loving Yourself First

Now the first part talks directly about self acceptance. The question is without self acceptance can we truly love and feel love?

So what if there are certain traits or aspects about yourself that you dislike, supress or reject.  What if someone you are close to pushes those buttons. The result of this would typically cause a reaction and send you down the path of feeling shame, guilt, blame, distrust, anger etc. The outcome is one of withdrawal, maybe denial but certainly withholding affection until the discomfort dissolves. So take a situation with a young child who constantly pushes your buttons and has you engaging in your own insecurities.

Imagine then what this would be like between a spouse, lover, friend.  If they triggered something painful inside you, is it true to say that you’ll react with fear, hurt or anger, not love. So is the goal to accept yourself warts and all and this in turn creates the ideal conditions for experiencing more fulfilling and deeper love.  So the question is can you truly love someone if you don’t love yourself?

Honesty and Openness

Let’s look at the second condition – openness. Think of two people you feel the closest to in your life, who you have deep feelings for. I would bet that one of the common denominators in both relationships is – you have let them see who you really are. They have witnessed the real you, being strong, capable and natural, but they have also seen the scared, vulnerable and weak you. You’re honest with them about what’s going on and how you are feeling. Now, think about a relationship that went sour or that was or is  a struggle and go through the same test. I think it would be true to say that we all crave truth and honesty and we want a relationships that is real.

So the question is, is Love genuine when you feel safe enough to take off your mask?

With other people many of us become very skilled at hiding our imperfections, of presenting that face we want people to like and accept. When you first meet someone you are guarded, you don’t let them see the flaws, the things you don’t like about yourself. The questions you might ask yourself is, if they knew the real me would they, could they love me. This unanswered question lingers between the two of you. Open up to them and watch the barrier start to fall or, if the connection is not strong enough, they may walk away. But in my mind the more honest you are and the more you let them know the real you, AND if after that they then choose to stick around, the more powerful the love.

Now in an ideal world we would all live happily ever after but realistically being honest and open is not always easy. Working at accepting and being at peace with the things you wish weren’t a part of you is hard work. Making changes and coming to terms with your shortcoming is such a difficult process when you are dealing with the conscious, analytical and reasoning part of your mind. However, when you tap into the subconscious which then allows you to understand why you feel the way you do and why you respond the way you do. Once you have this understanding you can then choose to change your feelings, emotions and thoughts. Once you are able to change the way you feel and think about yourself then you can allow yourself to open up to accepting others into your life, to accepting love and creating long lasting love. Email Elaine here to have a confidential chat about how to deal with those insecurities, fears or anxieties. So to end a little sonnet about love.

LOVE

We all want it

We think about it,

sing about it,

dream about it.

We,lose sleep worrying about it.

When we don’t have it;

we search for it;

when we discover it;

We can’t stop thinking about it

We feel euphoric

when we have it;

we fear losing it.

It is the constant source of both pleasure and pain.

But we can’t predict which one it will be from one moment to the next.

It is a short word,

easy to spell,

difficult to define,

Hard to live without.